I must apologize

I tend to forget that other people read this Blog.  I write really only for myself.
So i need to apologize when I put things our there that I am just venting about...and on top of that put very little detail in my post. For this I am sorry.
This last month has been a trying time for my family, and the deeper into my own and marital counseling I get the deep the issues seem to be, and with that comes at times feelings that are hard to control, hence the pervious post.
Sometimes in life in order to get through things and past issues everything needs to be brought out into the open and no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself sometimes just sometimes it's all overwhelming, hence the previous post.
I can hear my parents in my head (if we only hear the bad how do we know any different).  They are so correct.  So when I write a post like the one before I realize now this paints a very bad picture, I didn't write about golfing the other night, or how we took the kids to snoopers tons of fun and had a great time on the same day.  No instead I wrote about something that had happened long ago and has since been brought out in the open and I held on to that and wrote about it.  I have an issue with holding on to tight to things and how I project them onto my 4 year old daughter.  Case in point this morning while trying to explain to her that she needs to wear a hat as it is minus 4 degrees outside she decides she wants to wear her baseball cap that meme and papa bought for her, i tell her no, that she needs a hat that covers her ears.  After some crying and major protest she put on her hat.  I finish getting my coat and stuff on, turn around and there she is in her room trying to sneak that baseball hat on under her other hat, cause she wasn't going to let that go.  Then i thought yesterday I shouldn't write this way anymore, because it doesn't serve any purpose but to fed the negativity that we sometimes surround ourselves with.  I was right I got a txt this morning over my post.

I will not censure my writing, I will just be more aware of what is going to help me and what is not.

Thanks and God Bless!!

-Halley

when it all isn't what you thought

I would say so far in my adult life this is probably the hardest times I have gone through.  A lot has happened, alot is coming forward, there is just all this shit that is going on.  So what does a woman do when everything you have built your life on is a lie?  Can it even be sorted out?  All the things I have done that have lead me to this point and it's not even my lie or lies.  So where to go from here?  i know that God has all the answers but I am impatient and don't want to wait.  I want to move on with my life,  I am not saying that I regret but it's going to be a long long very long road and I am unsure if I have the strength left in me to go on.  Most of me says this is worthless fight as nothing has changed for so, and the lies are still coming in for a final tally.  I need to do what is right by God.  I gotta tell ya this is not what I thought it would be.  I lack the understanding for there is no understanding in all of this.

This is me now.

-Halley

Views on Marriage

I just read an article on CNN.com about marriage or the lack there of and the decline of marriage in this country.
I for one agree with the article but I have different views on the reasons why marraige is on the decline.  For me the answer is simple, this country moves more and more away from a religious foundation.
I mean do you go to church?  when was the last time you or anyone around you picked up their bible and actually read something?
I didn't always think this way, I was misguided, and not by my parents (i used to blame them for lack of religion in my life) no no it was my fault for not seeking a relationship with God.  Now though I have a better understanding.  The foundations of marriage start with religion and the teachings in the bible.  The more we move away from this as a whole the less likly we are to believe in marriage.  Marriage isn't just a piece of paper.  I didn't understand this until I began my walk with God and started to embrassed my own religious walk.  My marriage isn't perfect by any means but the bible doesn't say have a perfect marriage.  Marriage takes work.  The easy fix isn't to get a divorce, I have seen first hand how this affects children as I have three daughter, my two step-daughter obviously have a mother who their father divorced, then I have a child from a pervious relationship....I see how my marriage affects all of them, and this is something that I have set out to change.  However tough a blended family might me, I can also see the benefits of my blended family.  I have a good relationship with my step daughters and so does my family...however my marriage is the foundation of everything for our family.  I am not the perfect parent but again the bible doesn't say be perfect as God knows that we are all sinners, I try everyday not to sin and to do God's work , but alas I am human.
I just found the article interesting and sad all at the same time!

This is me now!

-Halley

Valentine's Day!!!

I have to admit that this day is not my favorite day of the year, perhaps it should be but it's not.  This year though life is a little different.  My husband and I were helping the kids with their valentine's card for school and daycare.  We have two girls in school and our youngest is still in daycare...anyway, while we were helping the girls, they had mentioned how great this holiday is and so on, my husband had mentioned that if it weren't for the kids we probably wouldn't celebrate V-day, our middle child looked at us and was like "what? why?"
I started to think, hmmm for our kids should we really impress on them at 4,7, and 8 that this holiday is crap?  Nope I don't think so.  I started thinking about it about came to realize that for my kids this is a holiday that should be celebrated!!  As this kids got up this morning I greeted them all with a happy valentine's day. 
For whatever reason this has seemed to rub off on my husband for he showed up at work with flowers and teddy bear...LOL.  Its a nice surprise as he has never gotten me flowers before.

So maybe there is something to this holiday after all?

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

-Halley

Life as I know it

Life as I know it is changing, I don't think is bad or good, I am little indifferent to it..or maybe it's with mixed emotions.  I am a little less close to my parents and maybe to my family as a whole.  I know this is a good thing for I have a very co-dependent relationship with them, but parts of me are sad.  I constantly question myself if I am doing the right things, I feel like I am praying all day everyday for God to show me what is right.  So who's to say really?  i feel more like myself, but then the slightest thing happens and i again question.  All I know is that life is changing and change is good.

-Halley

How I see it through the Bible

I realize now that I am in my 30's that I am forever changing at the hands of God.  I simply believe certain thing and they are reinforced by the words in the bible.  Marriage is sacred as are relationships with your children and family.  My relationship with God has taught me this.  everyday i make simple prayers to God, they are not long, they are usually short, because I know he has a plan for everyone, but i want and pray that he can here me.  I pray for many things, but that is between God and I.  I want to share today some of my favorite bible versus for marriage that keep very close to me!

Eph. 5:23-32
"For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church; he gave his life to be her Savior. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.

And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body."

Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.

So powerful these are!!  I try to honor my husband everyday, because the bible does not speak lightly of marriage.  People are NOT just disposable, you take vows you make promises and no one but God can decide if the marriage will last, I will not allow anyone to come into my marriage.  Friends come and go but to me family is forever, you don't get married and then rank your spouse below your friends...you get married and if your friends don't like it then why are they your friends?  And in turn if your going to put your friends first then why get married?
This is just were my mind is today....I am not sure why perhaps it's due to the fact that I am working on my own marriage?  I didn't know or understand what marriage really meant when i got pregnant with my daughter, I didn't understand the damage that I had done, but I do now that I am married and have grown in my own faith.  I don't regret having my daughter, because she is a gift from God, I do regret what I was doing and the people that I hurt.

This is me today!

-Halley 

Needing to Understand

The thing is no one knows what goes through my head everyday.  I am searching all the time for answers and you know what...God has them.  I have went back to church and started counseling with a Christan based counselor.  These are the best two things I could have done.  Slowly my life is getting back together and I am getting back to me, and not the me that everyone is used to..I mean back to me.  I had forgotten about all the things that I love...my travels, the world, new york city, collecting glass from all over the world, my own style.  I had lost myself, to my husband, to my mother, to everyone else who wanted to me to be this or that.  The pressure that I had put on myself was making me miserable.  After all I am just one person.  through my walk with God I am starting to find myself again.  I can't always please the people around me and adversity is everywhere.  I have to please god first, then myself and my family.  Now that I take some of the stress off of me, I see that Annika is bouncing back as well.  I love to just hang with her, she is my one true gift from God and it is with her in my sights that I make my decisions for what comes next in my life.  Yes Caleb and I will try to figure out this whole marriage thing, but one does not know if it will ever truly work out.  I think our children is what keeps us focused, with the help of God for he is in all things that we do each day.
My need for understanding is what lead me on this path, no longer will I take the backseat to something.  If we are going to be married then lets me married.  If I want to do something then I am going to do something.  This is just the way that I see it!

God Bless!

-Halley